I’ll never forget the day I was teaching a fitness class and one of the students came up to me after with a washed out look on her face, “I think there is something you should see”. I was confused but agreed to give her my email address. I went home that day and received an email with a link. Curious, I clicked the link and instantly started hyper ventilating. It was me.
I was plastered all over a website, a pro anorexia website. Dozens of my photos, showcasing me at every visible weight I had been at in my life on the homepage. Fat, chubby, healthy, skinny, zoomed, cropped, with hundreds of comments under each one. Unapologetically stating what they liked, what they didn’t, opinions I truly could not have fathomed one could have about a body. Let alone MY body.
My mom tried to make light of it all, “Hey, now you know what those celebrities feel like on those trashy magazines!” It still felt like a real life nightmare. Exposed, vulnerable and absolutely no control over the situation. Except to try and have it all taken down, which I did. But the experience stayed with me. The opinions echoed and the comments stuck.
You see, in my life I’ve had highs and lows. Times where I’m high on happiness and deep in depression. Moments of extreme excitement and life stalling anxiety. I’ve lived in different cities, traveled to different countries. Been in jobs I couldn’t stand and jobs I was incredibly grateful for. I’ve experienced the loss of loved ones, my parents divorce, betrayal and relationships ending. I’ve been told I’m borderline obese, the perfect weight, too skinny, all more than once.
You see my life is always changing, my environment, my emotions and my weight. I am no different than any other human.
Except maybe my body holds a reflection of the changes.
This event planted the belief in my mind that the online world was a scary and horrible place. A place to be avoided at all cost. (Not ideal when you want to start an online business!)
I am not writing this for a “poor you” I am writing these words in hopes that it will give one person courage. Courage to finally let go and release something thats been holding them back. Thats been weighing them down from truly being seen and heard.
If something from the past haunts you today, let this be the day you do what you must in order to let it go. To forgive whoever or whatever made you feel a certain way. It is no longer serving you.
So to that woman who took precious time out of her own life, to put me on display to be judged, I forgive you. Its time for me to move on, to no longer fear judgement or see it as a bad thing.
I am on a mission to fulfill my purpose which involves being seen front and centre (with my body and all, no matter what size)! Its no longer an option for me to hold back because its not about me, or my fear of judgment.
Its about you, and how I can help you.